Welcome to a Walkman-melting, battery-sapping countdown of teen comedy soundtrack cuts assembled by Mike “McBeardo” McPadden, author of TEEN MOVIE HELL: A Crucible of Coming-of-Age Comedies from Animal House to Zapped! Every note on this masterful mixtape assaults the ears like the snap of a keg tap, the frenzy of a ferocious food fight, and the squeal of a wicked sax solo played by a dog wearing sunglasses. This is your Teen Movie Hell mixtape. Crank it carefully—and use it extremely unwisely!
Track 6. HOT DATE, “Do It To You” from Spring Break (1983)
In 1981, real-world new-wave provocateurs Missing Persons lit up the movie Lunch Wagon in the guise of Terry and the Rough Riders. Three years later, future hit-making Sunset Strip hair metal heroines Vixen blasted through Hardbodies(1984) under the nom-de-goof Diaper Rash. Booty-popped in between, two-time Penthouse Pet of the Month Corinne Alphen capped her 1982 Pet of the Year victory by simultaneously busting into movies and music in one ferocious fell swoop thanks to Spring Break.
Coming out as queen of the mountains here is no mean feat. This movie is competitive to the core, packed with copious contests involving wet T-shirts and belly-flops—as well as a brazen battle between Coca-Cola and Miller Beer to see which corporation can score the most obvious on-screen product placement.
Corinne tops all comers as Joan, a sonic siren in sprayed-on spandex fronting the all-female hard rock battalion Hot Date. The band headlines a neon-scorched nightclub into which Spring Break’s quartet of pants-propelled heroes venture just as the band barrels into their signature showstopper, “Do It To You.”
While no sex or nudity occurs during this musical segment, if the MPAA had decided to give Spring Break an X rating based solely on Corinne’s performance here, no one would have been surprised. Just ask legendary film reviewer and Russ Meyer collaborator Roger Ebert, whose one-star condemnation of Spring Break made an exception for Corinne. Ebert wrote:
“Spring Break costars a young woman named Corinne Alphen who is described as Penthouse‘s 1982 Pet of the Year. Sad to say, most of the Pets and Playmates who win movie roles turn out to be sort of self-conscious and untalented as actresses. Not Corinne Alphen. She has a dazzling smile, a great personality and a relaxed naturalness on the screen that makes the Horny Teenage Boys seem all the more gauche.
“A funny little movie might have been made about her adventures in Fort Lauderdale, ‘where the boys are.’ She would have had the personality to carry it. Instead, the lockstep mentalities who made this movie tell their story entirely from a boring male point of view, supply us with male wimps and studs who are equally uninteresting, and view women only as wet T-shirt finalists. What a letdown for horny movie critics.”
In shorts—three thumbs up!
Get ready for summer—read the book TEEN MOVIE HELL already!